3-Headed Shark Attack movie full length review - It may have had three heads, but where were the brains and fun to go with it?
While I didn't think much at all of 2-Headed Shark Attack, this was worse.
The former at least tried to be fun (although the cheapness and ineptitude of it all got in the way) and had one cast member who tried, but 3-Headed Shark Attack takes itself too seriously, as well as being so stupid and being unoriginal in doing so, with next to nothing that makes it stand out from other shark movies (apart from with the shark) and wastes the talent it has.
3-Headed Shark Attack is by far the worst looking of the SyFy shark movies aired this year. Any nice scenery that the movie has is difficult to appreciate when the movie is shot in such a drab way and when it's edited so amateurishly that bacon-slicer-like editing looks more refined. Worst of all in this regard are the effects, as it was made on low-budget it would have been forgiven a little if it was not great, but when the effects for the shark look as if no effort was given in making them without looking so goofy and unfinished-looking that is hard to ignore, the only thing that it has that's superior for that of 2-Headed Shark Attack is that the size is more consistent. So is the shark's lack of presence or personality, it's not menacing, it's not scary and it's not fun, it's not even strong enough to bring any unintentional humour or goofiness, that's how bland it is. Music is very generic and adds very little, it's not always appropriate either.
The movie's writing ranges between incredibly bad to appalling, with the exception of two dark comedy moments with the head inside the shark and the boy riding the shark as if skiing, and they only raised a mild chuckle and like they were lifted right out of other shark movies (the latter being a little like in Sharknado 2). Any comedy is incredibly forced and is so cheesy it is enough to make the eyes roll in disbelief, while the more serious moments are very awkwardly written and as trite as anybody can possibly go. The attacks are far too rushed, lack any kind of suspense and the over-silliness to the point of intelligence-insulting stupidity, terrible shark effects, bad editing and even more gratuitous gore further cheapen them. To describe the story as weak is being too insulting to the word weak, it is a very lethargically paced and thin as ice story with lots of padding that is either badly written or serves no point at all to the movie, other than attempts at novelty value, which falls flat on its face because it all feels so tired. It is not fun, it is not scary and it is not thrilling or suspenseful, it's just nothing but tired stupidity.
As for the characters, that they're tired clichés isn't so much a problem, the problem is that they are either obnoxious with them constantly doing stupid things, so bland that it makes zombies seem more animated or both. Some of them are superfluous to the story or come and go out of nowhere constantly. The direction is as flat as a pancake, and the acting is awful with the unforgivable waste of Danny Trejo being one of the movie's biggest offences. Trejo, no matter how hard he tries, has nothing to work with with none of his material playing to his strengths as a performer, and he over-compensates as a result, for someone like Trejo who has a knack for raising a lot of bad movies up a notch it's shameful. Everybody else either overacts painfully or are amateurishly bland.
In summary, despite the small bit of originality with the shark 3-Headed Shark Attack is a dreadful movie all round and near-indefensible. 1/10 Bethany Cox