Doctor Who: The Husbands of River Song movie full length review - Awful. Truly, truly awful.
It's the typical Moffat bonanza of terrible storytelling.
Imagine what a good episode of Doctor Who looks like, a simple concept with a sci-fi twist, which adds an element of adventure etc. The storytelling is coherent, with the Doctor both showing supernatural genius in finding a solution to whatever problem he faces, and then showing a human element in his interactions with regular people. (A rough approximation, but you know what I mean.)
Take all of that, remove all of it. Add in pointless characters, story elements, and other gubbins, and you have "The Husbands of River Song".
Let's go through the checklist.
1. A simple Concept?
Nope. Reciting even the summary of events is a chore. There is no single focus to the episode, one half is dedicated to River (Spoilers, River is in this episode) and the Doctor transporting King Somethingorother's head to an orbiting Restaurant in order to sell a diamond inside King Somethingorother's head to a buyer.
The second half is dedicated to a botched love story (Thanks to aforementioned terrible Story Telling) and a deep emotional conflict within River Song about whether the Doctor loves her or not.
In short, by god, there is not a simple concept behind this episode. It's convoluted and unfocused.
2. Sci-Fi Twist?
Um.. sure? Nothing very complex, but if cyborg-monarchs, flying saucers and an intergalactic banking system aren't sci-fi then I don't know what is. Though ultimately of course it had no real bearing on the mechanics of the story so.. yeah it was poor.
3. Coherent Storytelling?
Well the tone at the beginning is dedicated to "comedy" (being utterly unfunny comments made by the Doctor and a head inside of a bag), it's over the top and a bit ridiculous. Then the episode ends with "deep emotions" (being River Song questioning whether the Doctor loves her or not, a point of contention that is ultimately unfounded from my point of view), and so the tone fluctuates wildly with no reason behind it. It's poor.
4. Supernatural Genius?
The Doctor defeats the main villain by catching a ball that just happened to fall into his hand by complete chance. So, no.
5. Humanizing Interaction?
A love story that has been building up for 5 series now is thrown into doubt by the concept that the Doctor is incapable of feeling love. Not exactly human now is it?
In conclusion? Unpolished, random, unimportant, incoherent, uninteresting, confusing and rubbish.
3/10. (The three points being awarded because the acting was all right)