Essex Boys: Law of Survival movie full length review - Essex Bores: Yawns of Survival.......
The real (yes folks real!!) Carlton Leach introduces the film by way of an unenthusiastic voice over and a scene of him just enjoying a quiet pint of stout, and then walking off......
And then the film goes gradually downhill from there. From the mess of a narrative, it's about a lad called Danny, who's thrown away the bad boy lifestyle for the love of a lovely lady and a life of poor acting.
The thing is though, he had no idea that one of the blokes from London's Burning (the same one who's trying to cut down on the price of his energy bills in the new advert) is a bent copper, whom just happens to be doing a gangland hit in the same area where Danny's mrs has just told him there's a baby on the way.
To cut a long story short, she gets killed, he gets left for dead, gets better, and goes for revenge once he gets better.
This weeks straight to DVD crime drama with the words 'Essex' and 'Survival' is really hitting a new low for these turgid excuses for films, and you know a film is in trouble when the DVD cover features a five star review from the reputable publication The Daily Sport, the same newspaper that gave us the story about a double decker bus being found on the moon.
Less to say, the film is an ordeal to watch, and makes this years Assassin (the one with the Kemps and Dyer) look like Mean Streets.
The acting is non existent, and when amateurs make TV actors such as Birdsall, and the two blokes from London's Burning look like Pacino and De Niro's finest hour, you know just how poor the quality of the film is.
But you need to watch this film just to appreciate how much Guy Ritchie's first two movies have influenced a sub genre that just will not seem to run out of steam. There are at least twenty or thirty films like these released every year, and once in a while, there are a couple of decent ones released (We Still Kill The Old Way, and Guvnors spring to mind), but in hindsight, I will never watch a film/documentary/TV show with the word Essex in it again.
Special mention to the actor who plays Lee, I've seen more emotion in an out of date Porkpie that's been found in the boot of a really hot car five weeks after being purchased.