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In a universe where human genetic material is the most precious commodity, an impoverished young Earth woman becomes the key to strategic maneuvers and internal strife within a powerful dynasty…

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Jupiter Ascending movie full length review - Awful, awful awful.

This film is bad. You'd think after the total disaster of John Carter (on Mars) someone somewhere would learn that if you take sci-fi and just throw millions and millions and millions of dollars at it is will just be rubbish.

And by god is this rubbish. (It's worse than that Jim, It's s, h, i and t).

This film is so bad I just don't know where to start. Hang on - I'm going to have a cup of tea and a think. OK. It has no redeeming qualities at all. The film, not the tea, The story is so badly written that I was just sighing to myself every five minutes.

It basically goes like this: Large bit of exposition explaining what they are going to do next then they go and do what they were saying there were going to do in a huge amount of silly CGI. We have seen so many action scenes that we all know anything can be done, but we need to have a vested interest in at least one of the characters to give a damn whether they live or die, and in this whole movie I couldn't care less if everyone died.

The tone of the film is perplexing. In the first few minutes this bloke is shot dead for no reason. Then the main character is born at sea under a particular constellation pertaining to something to do with astrology, but this is never mentioned again. Then there is a woman in her knickers and bra for some reason. Don't know why. Then Jupiter Jones leaves the earth then she's a queen and we are suddenly in Terry Gilliam's Brazil, complete with Central Services and a cameo from TG himself. (Naughty Terry).

The Wachowski directors have just stolen from FLASH, DUNE, BRAZIL, 2000AD and any other Sci-Fi source they can find. There is even a 2001 space station in one shot. They have proved over the last four films that they have got nothing left to say at all. The film is so Flash Gordon there is even a forced wedding scene with the hero Flash turning up on a space scooter and crashing in at the right moment, oh sorry he's not Flash, he's ? I don't know or care, because I've lost the will to live, because there is no suspense and there is no logic to anything. Then not-Flash rescues not-Dale and we have to go through the whole thing again, but this time Ming, sorry, some bloke I never got the name of - who has got a very sore throat and serious Oedipus issues and played by the unfortunate Eddie Redmayne (I bet he wishes he'd got his BAFTA earlier and not had to endure this pile of steaming llamas plop) needs Not-Dale to put her royal seal on a document so he can own Earth, and she has to abdicate, without doing anything of any use whilst being Queen, how about a few edicts? I'd at least ask to see the Royal Mint and get some coins done we me on them. But no. Not-Dale goes off without even a ray gun to see the baddest man in the universe and right at the last minute not-Flash hurtles in and saves the day on another space scooter thing. (His insurance premiums must be astronomical), And of course because he's broken the window at the top of the factory, the whole place is going to go up. I don't know about you, but if I was going to build some sort of factory in the middle of Jupiter where the atmosphere is incredibly fierce, the gravity is gigantic, the electrical storms are the size of EARTH, I would build some sort of fail safe and make certain that if some twit with a space scooter crashed into my big window the whole place wouldn't disintegrate with the speed of the Titanic hitting a massive iceberg. And the baddie dies falling off a tall thing. OMG!! How many bad guys have to die falling off tall things? At least Ming got a big rocket ship through his guts. If I was a bad guy I'd live in a bungalow.

Then some space people who were bad, but then good and then bad who may be friends with Sean Bean do some stuff and are then good people, but then they nip off, but luckily just in time to save Not-Flash and Not-Dale and oh, for Heaven's sake. I don't care I really don't. And then they are back on Earth. Sorry? What? She's the queen of the flipping universe and can do anything and she goes back to cleaning the toilets? Can you IMAGINE how angry her hard working mother would be if she knew her daughter was the heiress to billions and she wasn't doing anything with it? Why the hell do you think she left Russia to go to the USA? In search of a new life! Not to clean toilets! And the Not-Flash bloke has got wings at the end, Oh for sake of Peter Jackson is this Lord of the Rings? He's even got Vulcan Elf ears!! Is there no originality AT ALL in this movie??? Come on!! Couldn't he have had a penis in the middle of his forehead to indicate he was an alien. Oh? He has got one of those? Sorry didn't notice. And they all speak perfect English and apparently the Earth was seeded with genes from, Oh I don't care, I just couldn't care less anymore, this is awful, and I've run out of tea. And there's some big sci-fi Lizards with wings called Mr. flipping Ben or something. SIGH.

There was one nice shot of the planet Jupiter with all the moons around it in 3D that I did quite like, but that was nothing to do with the W Brothers - that's actually there.