Taken 3 movie full length review - Taken the Mick
I mean...Just wow!
The term 'flogging a dead horse' has never been more appropriate for any film in history.
Firstly I'll say this isn't officially the worst film ever made. It's marginally better than Batman vs Superman, though that is like saying suffocation is mildly more enjoyable than drowning.
After 'Taken's' success the studios have decided to force two sequels down our throats much like Marvel Studios have done with the Avengers, as they believe we both want and need to see them. Well I've got some news for them, and not to paraphrase Nigel Farage's immigration speech, but we don't want them, we never wanted them, its time for them to go.
Now while Taken 2 hurt and made me need to pop a few paracetamol tablets to remove the headache it caused - I feel after Taken 3 I'm going to need emergency care. Never before has a film made me feel more like I was in need of a hernia exam. As a matter of fact I imagine a hernia exam would have been more fun.
1) If we start off with the plot. Now just imagine a blank piece of paper. Okay your pretty much filled in on that section.
Now onto the acting. Liam Neeson plays every Liam Neeson character post 2001. Secondly, the villain has the stereotype that matches a loud Italian. What is original however, is the writers decision to use Russians as the bad guys in the movie. Who would have thought!? Now they at least deserve creativity points and a Smiley Sticker for that.
But the best of the best my dear friends, is of course the big man. Forrest Whitaker. I mean his name is quite ironic seeing how the character he plays has the brain functionality to that of Forrest Gump. I mean the guy LITERALLY picks up a bag of BAGELS and smells them in case it may have something important to do with the case. Lucky for him isn't it - but I'll get to that later. But all in all Forrest Whitaker plays probably the most worst character ever made in a movie. I now actively hate Forrest Whitaker!
There was a point in the movie where I felt his character actually liked the fact that Bryan Mills escaped and was causing havoc. In his mind he has been watching too many cat and mouse detective shows and though 'Now's my time to shine?let me get my chess piece'. So he decides to carry this chess piece throughout the movie to symbolize how he's playing a 'game' with Bryan Mills. (Slaps forehead*) Moreover, he seems to always know Bryans plans.
There's a scene when Mills is locked up in a car by the police and Whitaker calls up to warn them that 'hes playing a game ? get out of there'. So lets rewind that thought. The head detective of this case tells the police who have their suspect in custody to 'let him go' as he has a 'feeling' that Mills has a plan to escape. Now I'm no detective but I would start to question my bosses actions if he told me to let go the prime suspect over a hunch. But luckily for plot purposes ? it works out exactly as Whitaker had anticipated.
Also, I want to give a shout out to the editing department for actively trying to create epileptic fits in the cinemas. One of the best parts of the movie is when Mills tries to contact his daughter while he's on the run so he ACTUALLY poisons her so he would meet her in the girl's bathroom. I mean one could just send a note to his daughter to meet her in the toilet but obviously Liam Neesons trying to go for Father of the Year so the audience will let it slide. Sorry actually the best part could be when Mills survives a car crash that falls 100ft down a hill and explodes. How do the writers explain such phenomenon? Some clever plot twist I hear you ask? Well of course the writers solve this with a 5 second flashback showing Liam Neeson kneeling in a nearby hole on the hill to explain how he survived.
Little issue here ? that still doesn't explain how he actually escaped the car crash? I mean its like them explaining James Bond surviving a plane crash by showing a flash back of him eating ice cream in Florence. Oh he didn't die as he was here all along.
Now some films wrap up a mystery by some old file evidence, confession or last minute witness. How does Forrest solve the case? Bagels, apparently. They were warm.
I mean one has to ask themselves what kind of guy goes out for warm bagels, and comes back and commits a murder? This was a genuine line from the film. Read that back and look in the mirror knowing people were PAID to write that. Do you feel good about yourself? Do you? Also, apparently bagels are all you need to get people off a crime. Mills destroyed half the city ? killed a bunch of guys, beat up policemen, poisoned his offspring but its okay as he remembered to keep his bagels at an appropriate room temperature. Happy days for all!
So to sum up a warm pastry saves the day. Now you know if you're ever planning on committing a murder for god's sake take a visit to your local bakers. It may save your life. It seems the only thing TAKEN from this film was my FREE time. And on that note enjoy the rest of your day.